Many days this summer were spent reflecting and remembering the past year (as well as my past). Some days were difficult, others just whimsical. The following is another reflection on the 2009/2010 year.
Worthlessness (Part 2)
At the time I lost my former job (April/May 2009), I was so shell-shocked that I don't truly think I had reconciled the events surrounding me. (I don't believe I mentioned that in the midst of this turmoil I was diagnosed with Stage 1 Melanoma in not one, but two spots on my body. The surgery was successful, and I have been cancer-free since then. The shock of the initial diagnosis, however, just added to the surreal nature of that period in my life.) Here's another entry about what I think about me.
As I think back to the spring of 2009, I remember all of the positive, supportive comments and the "so sorrys" that I received from coworkers and, I thought at the time, friends. As last summer wore on, however, the emails, phone calls, and personal notes dried up like a rain puddle on a summer sidewalk. It has been well over a year and I have not heard from anyone at my former school. I could go on and on about my bitterness and resentment, but I don't know if there's enough space on the Internet.
It's sad, truly sad that people don't care about me, or my family. I used to think I was a good, decent person. But for some reason - and I'm still trying to look inside myself to find it - people just don't care about me. People may initially gravitate towards me, and we may make a superficial relationship, but something always seems to derail any lasting friendships. I lived in the same city for over 20 years, yet I have no close friends. (My wife has a few, but not as many as she once had as well.)
I have felt abandoned, truly abandoned by people, by society, and by God. It's one of the key reasons that I turned my back on organized religion. (There are several other incidents that also contributed to that decision.) There are times that I see former coworkers, parents, even students, and I simply walk away. I just cannot stand the sight of them! My son even played sports with (and against) some of these people, and I had a hard time being warm or polite to the parents. (The kids were always great, even if some of them were a bit aloof.) I just wanted to lash out at them and tell them what I truly thought about how they "left" me.
Yet, I understand the other side of that equation. I have held several jobs - in other professions - and I've never really kept up with anyone from those prior experiences. I often wonder if that's why I don't have any close friends. I really don't let people get close to me. Maybe that's just the way it goes? You leave one "life" and move on to another. Never looking back. As much as things change for me, they always seem to be the same.
Worthlessness (Part 2)
At the time I lost my former job (April/May 2009), I was so shell-shocked that I don't truly think I had reconciled the events surrounding me. (I don't believe I mentioned that in the midst of this turmoil I was diagnosed with Stage 1 Melanoma in not one, but two spots on my body. The surgery was successful, and I have been cancer-free since then. The shock of the initial diagnosis, however, just added to the surreal nature of that period in my life.) Here's another entry about what I think about me.
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| Kind of like my life - upside down. |
It's sad, truly sad that people don't care about me, or my family. I used to think I was a good, decent person. But for some reason - and I'm still trying to look inside myself to find it - people just don't care about me. People may initially gravitate towards me, and we may make a superficial relationship, but something always seems to derail any lasting friendships. I lived in the same city for over 20 years, yet I have no close friends. (My wife has a few, but not as many as she once had as well.)
I have felt abandoned, truly abandoned by people, by society, and by God. It's one of the key reasons that I turned my back on organized religion. (There are several other incidents that also contributed to that decision.) There are times that I see former coworkers, parents, even students, and I simply walk away. I just cannot stand the sight of them! My son even played sports with (and against) some of these people, and I had a hard time being warm or polite to the parents. (The kids were always great, even if some of them were a bit aloof.) I just wanted to lash out at them and tell them what I truly thought about how they "left" me.
Yet, I understand the other side of that equation. I have held several jobs - in other professions - and I've never really kept up with anyone from those prior experiences. I often wonder if that's why I don't have any close friends. I really don't let people get close to me. Maybe that's just the way it goes? You leave one "life" and move on to another. Never looking back. As much as things change for me, they always seem to be the same.
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