As I continue to take time this summer to reflect on the prior school year, I continue to slowly make headway with the events and issues that turned my world inside out for almost a year. Even today, it is still difficult for me to come to terms with the many scares and blessings, failures and triumphs, and the proverbial ups-and-downs I (I should say "we," meaning my family and me) endured from March 2009 through May 2010.
These entries will be somewhat short reflections (and, when necessary, editorials) on this past year.
Worthlessness (Part 1)
I have never had a great deal of positive self-esteem. As a pre-teen and teenager I pretty much hated everything about myself: my height, my weight, my looks. Those are pretty normal categories for teenage self-loathing. But I took this negativity down to the darkest of depths. Further down into the core of my inner soul. I absolutely hated myself! And I mean hated. If I could be anyone else in this world, I would have gladly changed places - no questions asked. Why do I bother to bring this up? Because even now, with everything I have in this world and everything I still hope to do with my life, I still have embedded in my core those feelings that I am less than worthy...that I am not as good as everyone else.
When I lost my job in March 2009 all those negative thoughts and all that negative chatter from my youth came crashing over me like like oil-soaked tides now bombarding Gulf Coast beaches. Dark, pungent, grimy, and just disgusting, negative thoughts invaded and polluted my mind. Once again, I truly felt, I had failed. I just wasn't good at this job - teaching. And, even worse, I had put myself in a no-win situation. To say it was a "difficult time" would be an understatement. Yet, because I had endured other, even more serious trials, this situation was not as overwhelming as it could have been. In fact, in hindsight, I'm much better off now than I was at that time. Why? I really was not happy where I was teaching, at least that last year, and it has taken me a long time to recognize and acknowledge that fact. Don't get me wrong, losing that job still hurts. It hurts even more that my former coworkers "abandoned" me. (See "Worthlessness Part 2") And earlier this summer I had to contend with a lot of publicity and press that only accentuated the perception that it was a terrific place to work. That brought back all these old feelings of self-loathing.
Now, I'm in a better place, yet I still feel "blue" from time to time. I guess that's simply part of being a grown-up.
These entries will be somewhat short reflections (and, when necessary, editorials) on this past year.
Worthlessness (Part 1)
I have never had a great deal of positive self-esteem. As a pre-teen and teenager I pretty much hated everything about myself: my height, my weight, my looks. Those are pretty normal categories for teenage self-loathing. But I took this negativity down to the darkest of depths. Further down into the core of my inner soul. I absolutely hated myself! And I mean hated. If I could be anyone else in this world, I would have gladly changed places - no questions asked. Why do I bother to bring this up? Because even now, with everything I have in this world and everything I still hope to do with my life, I still have embedded in my core those feelings that I am less than worthy...that I am not as good as everyone else.
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| Negative thoughts can pollute your mind! |
Now, I'm in a better place, yet I still feel "blue" from time to time. I guess that's simply part of being a grown-up.
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